Storms and Self-Awareness: An Update and Apology

Well my friends, it's time to acknowledge that from your perspective -- that being of a reader of WholePup -- I've either become gravely ill, or stopped pursuing the healthy whole lifestyle I crave. And you would be right, to some extent, and I apologize.

It seems I've not been a very good friend - or a very dedicated blogger or healthy lifestylist - recently. And I must accept that fact, learn from it, and move forward.

I wish it were that straightforward! How easy it could be to slough off insecurities and march into the sun, ready to start again. But the clouds, they always come back.

Staying Wet or Drying Off
Every storm that rains on us is a crossroads in disguise. We can choose to follow the rain, taking comfort its big soft drops of water which distract us from the awkwardness of bare skin. Or we can get tired of the lightening and the thunder, of water-soaked streets, fields, and clothing slowing us down, trapping us inside. Sometimes we cower under the storm rather than face the sun and its ability to expose all of our flaws with such brilliance. But occasionally, in times of growth, we step beyond our makeshift shelters and into the glory light -- into freedom of movement, clarity of vision, and surity of purpose.

The monsoon currently soaking me is of historic proportions. There is a pattern to all my rains, and for each one I search for the particles of substance on which the clouds form and gather. Often there are little signs and inconsistencies that provide clues as to the causes of certain bad weather patterns. I've become so good at noticing them that I can often pick them out and deal with them before the rain comes. =)

Somethings, however, just won't go away. Namely, years later, I'm still (to put it bluntly) fat. I've had a couple reprieves in the last decade, but obviously, I haven't yet faced the cause. I've investigated everything from improper eating habits to basic insecurities, and have even changed careers twice in search of the balance that will allow me to regulate my eating and exercise habits. But alas, I turned 30, and it all went to hell again in an uproar of crashing booms and strobe-like lightening. To hell with it all, I want my Starbucks mocha! And my chocolate birthday cake! And my afternoon cookies! More and more and more -- I want it all!!!

Storms are the urgings of our sub-conscience to face things we don't want to look at. People often choose to learn to live with the wind and the rain rather than acknowledge their fear. This storm is nasty, the worst I've faced in years, since post 9-11 trauma scared some of my deepest demons right out of me. But this one has no exterior catalyst, at least not one I can see. Nope, the way out of this low pressure system is locked within me.

And I think I know what it is.

Walking the Headwind Into the Sun
For a long time, I've suspected that something traumatic happened to me when I was about 6 years old. In fact, I thought I'd already discovered it! But lately, clues to a memory long repressed have been returning to me like feathers on the wind (or daggers, as they sting).

My impulse is to let bygones be bygones, and suck it in. With denial and resistance, it's easy to tame storms into showers. But I know from experience that our true selves never give up on us -- the storms always come back. They return again and again - the same dark clouds - until we can stand naked in the middle of a field of lightening, accept the pain and make it part of us. This means that I'm going to have to face the worst parts of myself, the most horrible things I can imagine, and accept them as being me before I can move on.

Until After the Rain
Now is not the time for me to haul out the scattered details. Suffice it to say that with help, I'm working on it - but in the meantime, the storm rages on. I may continue to be uber-reclusive and uncooperative for a time. And since I think I may be getting to the core of why I am heavy from a psychological standpoint, I will probably gain a few more pounds and let my house get a bit untidier. It will take time to allow myself to open up to what I've been repressing for so long.

But I can see the rainbow on the other side. =)