Authoritative... because I'm still grappling with the realization that I do not believe that my perspective is valid on its own.
Personal Awareness and Expression... because you can have one and not the other, but the enlightened individual has both.
So... where to begin?
I have been really enjoying myself over the past few days. It's not all been fun and sunshine, but I am taking to heart what I wrote about enjoying myself. Because really, in the here and now, that's all that matters. (That's not to say I'm suddenly a hedonist. On the contrary - I know that service to others is enjoyable and fulfilling. I also know that I'm easily amused by childish things. And I know how to chose time and place for appropriate actions.)
I have been having a LOT more fun playing with my daughter! I've even gotten some exercise out of it! And singing/dancing in the car without a care has been both enjoyable and helped keep me awake while I deal with some sleep issues. Plus, since I'm aware of my naturally child-like nature and constant curiosity about even the simplest mechanisms apparent in our lives (physical and otherwise), I've allowed myself to express that when I otherwise might have stifled it, in fear of those who say I'm not adult-enough. (I have my detractors, though it was never my intention to rub them the wrong way.)
Yet, thus far, the authoritativeness I've expressed has been limited to within me. I allow myself to act on my first inclinations, thereby expressing self-assertion -- I've not broadened the experiment to the outside world yet. But I'm thinking about it, a lot. Preparing to start taking those tentative steps (can assertiveness be tentative?)
See, ya, I'm not quite ready yet! But I'm workin' on it.
However, I have learned more about why I'm self-unassertive. When I was really little, I was naturally able to stand up for myself. I was a bit of a boss, really. In one famous incident, the man at the end of a haunted house tour growled for my lollipop. I was five at the time. I gripped my lollipop even tighter and shouted, "No!" Both the man and my parents thought this was hilarious, and my Mom congratulated me for "sticking to your guns".
That was the last time I stuck to my guns without thinking it through first. For the next 20 years, anytime I took action on my own to stand up for myself or others, I planned it out very carefully. I abhorred all-out displays of aggression, with one exception for a bully who was harassing a friend. I carefully concocted a scheme that led up to my kicking him hard in the shins until he promised never to bother us again. It was the one and only "fight" I ever got into -- and the only way I felt I had to resolve the situation. (Occasionally, kids know that telling an adult just isn't going to help.)
Other than that one time, I've been avoiding conflict for YEARS. When I was bullied in middle school, I avoided them. Once I was quick-thinking enough to double the lies back on my bully and get her in trouble instead of me (as was her goal) but I did it using cunning and wits, not nails and fists.
Memories of all the times I've been bullied or made to feel low are flooding back to me. But I'm not here on this blog to catalogue all of them.
But I might know where it all started. I'll talk about that in another post.
I've made so many realizations, that I've started losing track of them. A few days ago I could have written a bang-up post, super exciting and informative! Then I kept having more "Oh, duh!" moments, and more, and they're piled up such that I can't see the trees for the forest. D'oh!
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