Positive Thinking and Emotional Response

I've been going through a lot recently. It seems to be my pattern. Yesterday I realized, with a smile and a tear, that my life can be summed up this way:

My life is a recurring cycle of one existential crisis after another. 

 I laughed when I realized how true that is. As I've probably blogged, at least once, a long time ago: I cried myself to sleep when I was 5 because I couldn't comprehend the vastness of the Universe -- I couldn't comprehend infinity. It's not just a story my Mom tells, or a vague memory I cling to without being able to relive it in my mind.  I actually remember that night. I remember how hard I tried to comprehend Infinity, I remember the feeling of my brain pressing against my skull as I thought and thought and thought, I remember waking up in the morning and deciding it was better not to thing about it. For now.

So yes, once again, I'm having another such personal identity/meaning-of-life-type personal crisis, which seem to happen more and more frequently these days. Often, the Universe sends me messages during such times, often in the form of books/movies/other mass media outlets that throw coincidence after coincidence at me. Today, I found a blog post front-and-center on my Facebook wall.  And here it is:

The Lie About Positive Thinking

This is one of those topics that my enlightened life-partner understands, and practices, with apparent ease. Someday I'll get into the habit of it. Right now, I'm content to be slapped in the face with it. Thanks, Universe!

A Mother's Lament on Resentment

"Mommy no sing!"

Readers, please note: The following is a very long, incredibly sappy, excruciatingly cry-babyish, narcissistic and melodramatic post. I'm sharing this slightly-embarrassing real-life story with you because it is such a great example of one of my personal tenets for Whole Spirit: Write Things Down, Get Them Into The Light. When we journal or write letters or just talk to somebody about the quiet issues in our lives, it has a way of clearing the path for resolution and completion around those issues. And so, I give you my saga of lament.

I wrote the following post one week ago, on February 1st, but did not publish it until now:

-----------------

Tonight I realized that it's true: I really do resent my daughter.

Big Pulsating Ball of Stress... and That's Just Me

This is not the week from Hell*. Not by a long shot. But it is one of my most stressful weeks in recent memory.

As I discussed in my previous post, this is in large part because I have no healthy way to vent my frustrations and negative energy. This in itself is due in part to the unique relationship between my daughter and I -- specifically, our energy relationship.

Spaced and Displaced
I have a large personal energy space. A big energy "Field". A huge aura. However one wants to put it, mine is always out there - spread waaaaay out there, I can feel its edges touching the world at about 75 to 80 yards out. I can "hold a room", as Suzanne might say, but mostly because it's the only way I know how to be. I'm either holding the room, or riding on the pins and needles before my bubble bursts (which leaves me bedridden and exhausted for about 2 days when it occurs).

If only I felt so neatly contained.

Having a huge Field is not all bad, it's actually been pretty cool for me! It explains why I can sense when certain people enter a room - even when I'm across the crowd on the other side. Their charismatic auras touch mine, and I know who they are by the "scent" of it. It explains, as I've discussed previously, why "crazy" people on Metro buses and subways like to talk to me/at me/lash out at me. They're within my Field, they can feel a connection with someone, and it draws them straight to me.

It explains why, as a young child, my teachers always sat me next to the classroom "troublemakers" - the kids who would not or could not sit still. My teachers explained to my Mom that I had a "calming effect" on these children. (Too bad this also meant that I was generally segregated with the "bad" kids and contributed to my inability to get into the "popular" crowd. Of course, that was also because my Huge Charisma, darkened by depression, also scared the heck out of those kids, who ruled the playground by rumor and intimidation.)

But... I cannot pull in. I'm always "heard", even when I'm trying to be quiet as a mouse, as unimposing on anyone around me. To some people, I'm always loud and overbearing, no matter how my actions may imply something completely different.

Parenthood and Conflicting Energies
Even before she was born, I could feel her bright spark, the enormous charisma to be. Even before she was born, I knew this would cause us to butt heads and create conflict where none is necessary.

For the first 34 years of my life, when I need to "recharge my batteries and refill my tank" (again to paraphrase Suzanne), I take my huge broad energy Field somewhere BIG and LONELY. I take a walk in the woods and fill up the woods, and let the woods fill me. Then I am able to pull in and journal about my needs and experiences.

When the woods are not available, I hole up in my home. I shut the door, I hibernate, I block out sound and sometimes light, I occasionally block out thought with a comfortable old action flick, I let my energy Field spread out in safety -- in the knowledge that anything it touches is not going to ask anything of me. I don't have to "be there" for anyone but myself. I can rest in the solitude of my mind's eye, and block out any outer influences that may be tugging on the rims of my Field.

...A solace that is Not Possible when there is a Giant in the next room, constantly demanding to know where you are, what you are doing, when you are coming back, and why you're not being with them, at EVERY GIVEN MOMENT. Argh!  No matter how I try, I can't block her out. I can get physical, but not spiritual/emotional rest while she's in the same room. I can't rest when she's in the Next room because I can hear her talking, knocking on the door, asking someone "Where's Mommy?", constantly checking up on me.

And when I CAN block out the noise, I can feel her huge presence. She has inherited my Field, and that of my father, but her's is like my father's in that it is So Much Larger than mine. We are constantly entangled, sharing the same energetic space, regularly rubbing together the edges and surfaces of our respective auras in ways that are, at times, incredibly grating on a tired adult with no personal space.

What I Must Do, for Her, for Me
I have a responsibility to her - I have to teach her how to manage her wide Field, to use it wisely, to understand that sometimes she will intimidate others without meaning to. I want to help her avoid the confusion of so many of my years, wondering "What did I do?" before I was aware my energy Field existed in the way that it does. I don't want her to make decisions I made to hide myself under layers of fat and let people practically walk all over me, just so I could stay out of the spotlight just a little bit. It's hard, it's really hard. But how can I teach her these things when, as yet, I have no idea how to do it myself?

Thank God, I work for Suzanne.  Suzanne! I need your help!!!

*Hell being, in some ways, a subjective term. I honestly don't believe in hell, as I don't believe in a punishing God. I prefer to think of this Life here on Earth as about as hellish a place as any in the universes. ;)

A Year of Significant Change

What a year this has been.

Squirrel cage-iness...

So many areas of my life are in flux, that I must dub this The Year of Change. There are many ongoing processes in my life, specifically: the Financial, the Emotional/Spiritual, and the Physical (read: my expanding waistband!)

At the moment, I want to discuss those last two. They are closely interrelated. As I work through my emotional issues, long buried, reburying and digging them up again, I am gaining a ton of weight. I thought it was just my medication (which is a known contributor, per my Docs) but it's just become ridiculous. I can't wear my clothes anymore, and my dominate facial feature is now its roundness, including my ever-growing second chin. It's just depressing.

I'm in a cycle I can't seem to break. But I've had a breakthrough: It didn't fully hit me HOW closely my emotional/spiritual issues and my weight are tied until just recently. It really sunk in during a conversation about raising our daughter, and the role our behavior has in teaching her, when my partner asked: "What do you do to  vent your [everyday and occasional] frustration? What do you do when you get mad to release that?"

Umm...... nothing..... yep.... thinking some more.... nothing.

Hmm. I eat. Eating/drinking something when I'm frustrated (which is much of the time) makes me feel better.

Other than that, I have no current outlet for my built-up feelings of negativity. I don't have a time in my day when I can run-them-off or work-them-off like I used to. I'm not dog walking or enjoying a vocation that allows me to meditate and physically work off my emotions while getting paid for it. I no longer have a commute to work that forces me to walk in the brisk autumn air and contemplate life as I hoof it to the busstop. And I can't do any of that inner emotional work while I'm doing those regular physical activities I currently have, because I am not able to do that while I am taking care of my daughter at the same time. To do that work, I have to close a part of myself for a time, and I cannot shut that door while I am with her, watching after her, being in the moment with her. That's just how it is.

Something in my everyday has to change, or this cycle won't end. Settling and calming my inner turmoils will not alone be enough to affect my physical being. If it was enough, I wouldn't be in this deep. Something has to change!

Silence in the Library

pic stolen from
www.eastdunbarton.gov.uk

I've been very quiet in this space for much of this summertime. It has not been for lack of something to say.

Rather, my gears have been working hard, I've been changing, shifting, seeing what feels new and what's old and has to go. My thoughts and feeling have either been too fluid to blog about, or too unfinished in their machinations. I'm still very much unfinished with this round of emotional/spiritual movement.

So like any good Library-goer, I've kept quietly to myself, while my head is fully delved into the mental matters at hand. Or not at hand -- I'm not actually holding any book. I'm just sitting, thinking, dreaming, planning, wondering, deciding, choosing.

...We've also been watching quite a lot of Doctor Who this summer, so "Silence in the Library" is on the tip of my brain. LOVE that episode. ;)

More to come soon. I'm starting to come out the other side of my summer's reverie. I can feel the shifting winds of Fall, the approaching energy of change. I've always loved the Fall!

"Adrift" on a Pendulum of My Own Making

Here's another brief update on my crazy path to... well, not to enlightenment, because if I did that, I'd have to die or become a famous recluse or something and that's not what I want in this life LOL!

So yes.... the recent road has been a rocky one. I've determined that for me, learning and re-learning my own spiritual/emotional/egotistical truths is like swinging on a giant pendulum. You get some momentum going in one direction... and next thing you know, you're so far off the bandwagon you can't even remember where you left it!

During this morning's service at UoLC, I gave that pendulum a bit of thought. It's always been there, always thwarting me (as if "thwart" is the right word, as it's part of me and therefore neutral on its own -- I make it the enemy.) I have a hard time with consistency and process. Regular meditation, or really, regular Anything, just doesn't work unless I'm threatened with a failing grade or loss of income (haha!) I am not a consistent, regular person, and this makes the swing of the pendulum that much more powerful.

....However, if the analogy of the pendulum is true, then that means that I spend as much time on the enlightened side as the "hell in a handbasket" side. But... I know that I've spent much more time of my life on the not-meditating, not-taking-care-of-my-spiritual-needs-dutifully side. And yet, I've come so far! Which leads me to conclude that The Enlightened Side of the Pendulum Is Far More Powerful Than the Ego-Driven Side. It means that -- although I may have swung only a slight way into the light, I then find myself FLUNG deep into the side of the grey*-and-muddled, the opaque fog of the ego's separation.

That realization, however, give me great hope. It means that I don't HAVE to venture far into the side of light to minimize the grey in my life. I can stay close to the center of gravity; a little to the light more than makes up for a little on the opaque side. I don't have to be über-vigilant, like some yogi meditating for hours on end, or facing East at the same time everyday in obedience to... well, to myself, to my own spiritual quest for fullness.

....But a little well-spent time here and there, as I can manage it -- that is fit to keep my vision clear and light the way!

*One word I was taught British-spelling as a small child in an American school, and which I refuse to write with American spelling. The "e" is so much more dignified, befitting such a complex color.

So Afraid of the Sun

So very much has happened in the last few days, that in the few minutes of time I have right now, I wouldn't know where to begin.

With the amazing support of my amazing life partner, with whom I chose to be with everyday, I have taken some big steps in my journey. Explanations will have to come later. I'm still processing, and it will be a book to write it all down.

I understand now why these are my favorite words of great literature. For the past 30 years, I've played my part well - too well! Hid myself from myself! And warped it, and turned it inside out, so noone would dare believe these words could apply to me. But twist them and they do. Now... it's time to make some big changes in my internal landscape.

Henry IV Part I Act I Scene 2:

Henry V. I know you all, and will awhile uphold
The unyoked humour of your idleness:
Yet herein will I imitate the sun, 300
Who doth permit the base contagious clouds
To smother up his beauty from the world,
That, when he please again to be himself,
Being wanted, he may be more wonder'd at,
By breaking through the foul and ugly mists 305
Of vapours that did seem to strangle him.
If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work;
But when they seldom come, they wish'd for come,
And nothing pleaseth but rare accidents. 310
So, when this loose behavior I throw off
And pay the debt I never promised,
By how much better than my word I am,
By so much shall I falsify men's hopes;
And like bright metal on a sullen ground, 315
My reformation, glittering o'er my fault,
Shall show more goodly and attract more eyes
Than that which hath no foil to set it off.
I'll so offend, to make offence a skill;
Redeeming time when men think least I will.

Turning Points

I hate hearing the sound of my own voice. Pretty much always have... well, that's not true. There was a time when it delighted me. A time when I reveled in the technological power of being able to hit RECORD and PLAY on my cassette player simultaneously... and replay it later.

But the days of the mock radio shows and the first two songs I ever wrote ("Swim Like a Mermaid" and "Lazy Smurf") were short-lived. Somewhere in there, I learned to dread the sound of my own vocal chords vibrating. Yet despite this, I still managed to get a degree in Vocal Music Performance.

Listening to my own voice.... Why why why does it shame me so?

Likewise, as I've mentioned here before, I hate confrontation. Yet despite a distinct aversion to it, I managed to be able to stick up for myself -- through physical means if absolutely necessary -- up until my Freshman year in high school. And then, rather suddenly, I couldn't anymore.

These two must occurrences must be related.

Volleyball and Vocals
My freshman year in high school, my family moved to a very small town in Virginia, some miles outside a populace 2-stoplight town. Having spent several years roaming the corridors of Ballston, which was across the street from our apartment, the move was a major adjustment. (Let's just say that I am qualified to write a book on the subject of culture shock, and leave it at that.)

I'd spent the prior few years in middle school feeling constant humiliation. Plus my one saving grace - my voice - never seemed quite good enough. I made it into the special girl's show choir, but was never one of the stars of the group. I auditioned for regional chorus and didn't make it. That was a sad, sad day, and shocked my chorus teacher as much as me.

Starting high school in a new town gave me a kind of new freedom. None of these people knew me! I could start again. And I Did, Full Out. By the end of the year I was one of the top students in my class, taking multiple honors courses, had been a starter on the JV Volleyball team with a great career ahead of me, and I was one of the school's premier singers. Yep, that's right -- as a freshman, I was in the school's most elite vocal group, and that group was the JOY of my existence. I mean, I got to dance with Craig and Paul! One was the basketball star (NICEST guy, loved him) and the other -- oh how I crushed on him! He was SO sweet, kind, thoughtful, and CUTE. I wished I was partnered with him more frequently, but there's only so much you can do in a performing group when one boy and one girl (me) are quite a bit taller than the others.

Looking back on it now... it was a teenage girl's heaven. It's true, I was stuck in the middle of effing nowhere, hardly any friends, a DC city girl often ostracized by Southerners and rednecks, but I knew I was going somewhere. That year I also took 2nd place in the school science fair, and I won the school-motto competition. (Only, no one knows that I did. The Brothers-H "won" and got all the attention, then later it was determined that they cheated, and as second place, I then "won" be default. It was all very hush-hush, and like I said, I doubt anyone really knew. The Brothers-H were big names in that there school, practically untouchable, and hence, they were both pricks.) Yeah, so there was nowhere for me to go but UP. That is, until we moved back to Ballston.

...With the exception of my sports career. It started out AWESOME. I came on the team as a freshman starter, usurping a spot from one of the older girls. The coach encouraged me to ignore this girls threats -- she was quite mean to me. But I was the better player.

The girl even started stealing things from my gym locker, or destroying my classwork - whatever she or her friends could do. But I was only able to catch her once, so nothing could be done about it. I had no recourse, no way to protect myself from the constant harassment.

As the school year progressed, our team got really good. We went to District Championships. We lost the final game, but it was AMAZING nonetheless! We were going to states! Only, just then, we moved back to Ballston.

However, there's more to this story. By the end there, I was no longer the regular starter in my position. In fact, I had pretty much lost all my outward aggression. It was no longer within me to run at the net, jump and slam the ball down into someone's face. Nor was I able to take a slam to the face with any sort of grace. I'd become afraid of the ball, and afraid of physical aggression in general.

And yet, just months before, I had kicked the shins of the boy who was harassing my friend and I. Less than a year later, I was incapable of such an act. I was incapable of defending myself at all.

Why?

By the time I got back to Arlington at the end of my freshman year, sports were nearly out of the question. Too much confrontation. But I still had my voice! I KNEW I was good now, I'd had my fresh start!

My guidance counselor put me into the Advanced Choir. It's where I belonged, wasn't it? I was coming out of the elite group in one school, and moving into the advanced group in another (obviously I couldn't be put straight into Madrigals). Made sense to me.

For two days, I was accosted by my classmates -- "What are you doing here? Wait, what grade are you? You're not supposed to be here!" Yet the music was straight-forward and beautiful. I had no problem catching up with the new music. I could already sight-read well enough to easily keep up. However -- My counselor had messed up. Freshmen weren't ALLOWED in Advanced choir. After two days, I was moved to the Regular Choir.

With apologies to any friend who were in choir with me back in the day - Regular Choir was like a slap in the face. The music was juvenile, half the students were juveniles, and the other half couldn't speak *English. Thus began three YEARS of torment and torture at the hands of the music department and the teacher's pets of the music department. I still have trouble grappling with my anger and resentments misplaced there. I had a terrible experience - and yet, screw them, I STILL got a degree in music (that I haven't done squat with). Rawr.

But I'm still at a loss as to WHY I can't stand the sound of my voice or WHY I decided to shun all forms of physical aggression. I KNOW I can sing. I KNEW I could kick ASS on the Volleyball court. Why take that away from myself? What is it about the timing of these occurrences? And why are they related, as I instinctively feel that they are?

Sigh.

*I highly respect the school's ESOL program for putting students in choir. Singing a new language is a fabulous way to learn to pronounce it.

Part 2: Shimmery Energies & Voluminous Fields

The Part of this Blog Posting in the First, Also Known at Part One.

In the above post I wrote:

A few months ago, I took a workshop entitled Skills to Energize Your Life. In this course, I opened to thinking of "auras" in terms of space as well. I'd dabbled in it before, but my experience here was pretty concrete - someone who knew what they were talking about, who is an expert in such things, verified for me some things I'd come to believe about my personal energy style.

This is where, for the first time in my life, someone confirmed for me that my "aura" is big.

I mean, everyone's energy field has varying sizes. When you're trying to be still and quiet and unseen, like a mouse, you may pull yourself inward. Some people are like that naturally - they tend to be the "quiet ones" -- that girl or boy in the classroom who's there, but whose name everyone always forgets. Or the one person in the office meetings who has impeccable attendence, and yet it seems like they're never there.

Some people who are aware of their personal energy boundaries can even control the size. They can pull it in or expand it as the occasion warrants. I think my Dad was one, but he wasn't necessarily aware of it happening. His default presence was massive. I could tell when he'd entered a room without looking toward the door. I just knew, I could feel him.

The guy I had a massive, unrequited, tortured crush on as a teen was the same way. Literally, the cafeteria could be bustling with gangly youths of al kinds, but as soon as he entered the room -- no many how many tables away I was, or how blocked my line of sight -- I knew it. All I had to do to verify it was stand up and crane my neck a little bit-- wait -- yep, there he is!

My "aura", I had confirmed this past April, is just as big. Like, All of the Time. Because I can't control it. My "aura" is naturally wide most of the time. It's what puts a lot of people off about me - I may come across as "overbearing" even if all I'm doing is sitting in the room, looking around, minding my own business.

It's why some of my friendships have ended. People think I'm "judging" them when I haven't said a word. Or, based on a feeling, misinterpret what I do say, when the negetive vibe they may be feeling off me probably has nothing whatsoever to do with them.

It's why -- perhaps -- I have no problem picking up on a friendship that left off years ago. (That one, I can't explain yet, just trust for now that I think there's a connection there.)

It's part of why I was so good at "ESP" games as a kid. ("Are your eyes shut?" "Yes! Are you concentrating on something?" "Yes!" Then I'd imagine a kind of stick-man of light wandering through the room. I'd just watch him, doing my darnedest not to direct him. It was uncanny how frequently he pointed me toward the chosen object.)

Most Importanly, It's why Crazy People Talk To Me In Public Places. And this... this I need to explore in further detail.

Shimmery Energies & Voluminous Fields, Pt. 1

Time for some more stream-of-consciousnessing. (Yes, it is a word! My word. I like it.)

I'm not certain what I need to write about tonight, but I've known for over a day now that I need to write tonight -- that I need to get on with it, that I can't stall on this, that I need to keep going before I lose it. Because I've "lost" "it" too many times before. Not this time. And so, tonight, I sacrifice physical rest (sleep) so that I may continue to give some much needed rest to my emotional and spiritual aspects, rest in the sense that R.E.M. sleep is vital to our physical refreshment even while we are working very hard in dreaming at the time.

Gah, I use a lot of words. I like the words, but I still hear my teachers' voices telling me that you won't. Time and place, time and place, I'm not submitting this blog post to anyone for their professional review. Just me.

Letting the topics come as they may

What am I called to explore within tonight? I have a couple draft topics saved to the queue, but I'm not ready to go there yet. They are... too dark and painful for Right Now. I still have to get up in the morning and go to work, ya' know. They'd drain me dry and I'd end up useless on the job and at home tomorrow (rather, later today). Can't have that right now.

Energies seems to be the word most on the tip of the brain. I can feel it floating there, right near the spot where I feel inspiration and assuredness. It's flitting about. Mostly, because I feel it's not mine to discuss at the moment. Energies is my husband's. Energies is what he's naturally about. He's a Reiki practitioner and it came to him naturally. He senses things that I can't even tell are there. His presence is so much more fine tuned than mine -- my energy presence is so big, so uncontained, that it drowns everything else out.

...So maybe that's what I need to talk about. Big Sigh. I suppose I should Start from the Beginning so as to Not Completely Lose any readers who are starting to wonder if I'm a Loon.

Energy Presence: A Truly Basic Primer by someone who only half knows what they're gibbering on about

I've always felt connected to the world around me. We all do, or have, at some time or another. Even if it's just the rush of human understanding you may get when a good movie or TV show comes to an end -- that's a version of it.

Let me go in another direction. People talk about "auras". They give auras these colors, assign traits to them like they're horoscopes or something. Here's my take on auras: Everyone has a unique energy field around them. It fills us, it envelopes us, it can envelope that which surrounds us. Rather than color, I've always tended to think of them in terms of texture and the quality of light. Take me, for example: One of three strong-willed, intelligent, very different sisters. My Mom and I have always sensed that I am the shimmery one. If I were a rainbow, I'd be a fine-glittery one. My closest sister, she glows. He light is both more subtle and more steady. The oldest of us -- she can't help but be flashy, even on her dullest day. She sparkles!!!

A few months ago, I took a workshop entitled Skills to Energize Your Life. In this course, I opened to thinking of "auras" in terms of space as well. I'd dabbled in it before, but my experience here was pretty concrete - someone who knew what they were talking about, who is an expert in such things, verified for me some things I'd come to believe about my personal energy style.

More to come - my baby's awake and needs attention. Part II to come eventually!

Learning A New Way To Be --> One Day at a Time

In this post, I want to talk about my process this past week and how it's shaping me.

Last Monday and Tuesday I was home exhausted. Totally fatigued, ridiculously sleepy. I may have had a bug on top of my sleep issue. Or, I may have been like Zuko while my body channeled some pent-up negative energy out into the physical world. I think it was all of the above, and both, and Yes.

Tuesday I could have gone to work - but I could feel, instinctively, that if I did, I would have compromised my ability to finish out the rest of the week without a significant amount of stress. I am SO FORTUNATE to have a boss who is all about honoring the body, and she respected my need to stay home another day. And wow, what a difference it made!

Tuesday was hellish. I had more energy than I did on Monday, but I felt like crap. Both days, issues in the material world were weighing heavily and needing my attention. And I could feel the energy of my body and spirit working overtime to process all my recent personal discoveries, many of which are recently relayed in this blog. That energy, that change, is what I most needed the time to honor. I know from experience that, when going through a time of personal spiritual change, if I don't take time to process it and incorporate it into both my being and my consciousness, I'll lose it and go back to being like I was before (and generally, once again, totally clueless about how I got like that. The ego loves a good cover-up!)

During those 2 days, I took time to meditate and go through the Third Exploration of Full Body Presence. That was pretty profound for me. I have so much locked tight into my sacrum, in the bones, that brings much tenseness and pain to everyday life. I started taking what I'd learned and working with the energy stored there, thanking it for all its done to protect me in the past and telling it that I really can handle it from now in.

It's so ingrained, it's going to take a Long Time to clear all this stuff out of my system. A long time.

My Idea: Learning it, Feeling it out, Using it
As I've previously mentioned, I have a spiritual idea that I have NOT yet shared with you. It's a big idea -- so big, I will probably devote a substantial portion of my life and energy to it. But before I do that, I need to learn it, live it, vet it out and see how it will best fit within all the modalities and philosophies and everything else already out there.

I strongly believe that as uniquely created individuals, our paths are all somewhat different. This idea is not for everyone. But it certainly is for me. As I work with it, I find my experience of the spiritual (as I perceive it) to be increasing manyfold. It's super powerful! During this time of personal change, however, it needs to be carefully used and implemented, or I could ruin my own progress (burn myself out as it were.) Which is one reason why I'm not sharing it yet. As part of my own personal issues from early childhood, I have to be an authority on anything I'm espousing (or at least, I have to honestly believe that any product I'm selling is actually "the best of its kind" -- hence why I'm such a crappy salesperson, generally.) So I'm not about to tell you what I'm thinking before it's ready, before I'm ready, as I am NOT prepared for the inevitable negative feedback that ALL ideas get from somewhere. I am TERRIBLE at taking criticism. To invite it on an issue close to my heart at the same time that I'm taking steps that will render me much better at taking criticism -- seems stupid. Haha!

All My Responsibilities
I am a Mom and a Wife and Daughter and a Person on a spiritual journey but I am so much more than that. So I chose to not continue excavating my internal issues on this blog for the last week so that I could honor all my commitments. I hope, this week, to get back to it. I'd start now, but I'm not prepared for the emotional waterfall that will come out of it right now- nope nope, this is a celebratory weekend with my family, it's time to go party for the Fourth of July!

Muddled Thoughts and Vivid Dreams: Exhaustion Takes My Day Away

I am completely and totally exhausted today. Little tasks, like walking the dog or carrying the toddler 10 feet, drain me of my resources. My Mom can't stop commenting on how pale I am.

But it's not a cold, it's not a flu bug that I'm aware of. It's just exhaustion with a couple other symptoms added on here and there, like occasional light headaches. I have a sleep test in less than 2 weeks -- boy, does that seem like a far away date (at the moment)! Two weeks! What if I'm like this for the next two weeks?!?!

....If I truly am casein intolerant, then if I was still eating dairy right now, I'd think I had a sinus infection. But I don't have mounds of snot and post-nasal drip since I went "off the cream-sauce", as it were.

Alternate Realities: Zuko's Illness

I am very aware that there is a another reason why my exhaustion may have intensified over the last 36 hours. I could be falling into a brief but intense period of illness while my body and the mental pathways of my brain work overtime to catch-up with the evolutions recently made in my spiritual and emotional lives, much like when Zuko falls ill while he realizes that he can choose NOT to live up to his father's expectations. Avatar: The Last Airbender really is quite an enlightened series!

This weekend has been particularly marked by moments of profound realizations, enlightened moments, Eureka! moments. I feel called to really start exploring the boundaries of my "idea" to see if it stands, and if it can help people. It has already helped me! My own perceptual lens (to use a term from Full Body Presence) has been cracked wide open a couple times this weekend.

Saturday night was full of intense thought and wonder for me. I wrote pages in my journal in a very short time, on topics ranging from infinity and alternate universes to the purpose of pain. It was a good night.

Sunday morning I fulfilled my regular volunteer duty as sound-person at the new thought church I attend. (I LOVE Unity!) Looking through the lens of the realizations I had made the night before, the experience of the service was more personal and powerful than ever. The words we say every week as part of the service were far more real to me than they've ever been. Once again, I knew that I was in the right place for me, for my spiritual development. And I could see how, if my idea helps me delve that much more deeply into my chosen spiritual path, then I have to continue exploring it and work on a way to present it to others. (I'm not ready to share yet, but I will be soon enough, in its time.) Then I watched several episodes of Through the Wormhole yesterday afternoon while I was too tired to do anything but recline on the couch. MIND blowing within the context of new age spiritual ideas! (Or rather, mind TRAINING, as the universe miraculously fits my current beliefs. Wow, can't avoid some of my personal spiritual truths now when the science supports them.)

Therefore -- Between rewriting my thoughts about personal safety and humiliation, to meditating on Full Body Presence, to mentally exploring the outer edges of the Universe and FAR beyond -- I've written a few new mental pathways that suredly do NOT match some of the longstanding energy patterns within my body. It's happening so fast, my body can't keep up. Hence, my state of sickness-ala-Zuko.

If you don't know the story of Zuko, here's a VERY short recap: He's a prince whose own father scarred and banished him just for having a personal opinion and speaking out of turn. He spends years desparately trying to redeem himself in the eyes of his father, a megalomaniac who could care less about his son. When Zuko starts to see that he is NOT the evil man his father is, that he can choose a different path -- he falls ill and wakes up a new man no longer bound to his past, free to move forward as he sees fit.

...Yet, Zuko still finds himself tempted by his old ways, and for a while reverts to his tortured, evil self. If I don't make a point of continuing on this journey for myself - of meditating, studying, thinking, growing -- I will lose my progress and revert back to the same old painful patterns I've had for years. If I don't allow myself the time and attention to healing, I never will. Old habits are awfully hard to break.

And so, here I am... exhausted, my tummy is a big black sore pit of voidness (it's where my old habits have balled up and trapped so much energy in the name of self-protection). My eyes are semi-vacant as my ego is trying to set up shop there, and skew my vision so that I am tricked into halting my progress. My legs are sore and resistant to forward movement. The back of my head is really, really heavy - I don't know what that's about, it's always been like that, but it's even more so now as I continue down this path. Having written all of this, I'm coming out of it feeling better in my head but crappy all over. Time for another nap?

Yeah, time for some more rest. I'm EXHAUSTED.

First Steps in Authoritative Personal Awareness and Expression

First steps... because I've only begun to start changing my mental pathways on the topic. It will take a long time to make it rote.

Authoritative... because I'm still grappling with the realization that I do not believe that my perspective is valid on its own.

Personal Awareness and Expression... because you can have one and not the other, but the enlightened individual has both.

So... where to begin?

I have been really enjoying myself over the past few days. It's not all been fun and sunshine, but I am taking to heart what I wrote about enjoying myself. Because really, in the here and now, that's all that matters. (That's not to say I'm suddenly a hedonist. On the contrary - I know that service to others is enjoyable and fulfilling. I also know that I'm easily amused by childish things. And I know how to chose time and place for appropriate actions.)

I have been having a LOT more fun playing with my daughter! I've even gotten some exercise out of it! And singing/dancing in the car without a care has been both enjoyable and helped keep me awake while I deal with some sleep issues. Plus, since I'm aware of my naturally child-like nature and constant curiosity about even the simplest mechanisms apparent in our lives (physical and otherwise), I've allowed myself to express that when I otherwise might have stifled it, in fear of those who say I'm not adult-enough. (I have my detractors, though it was never my intention to rub them the wrong way.)

Yet, thus far, the authoritativeness I've expressed has been limited to within me. I allow myself to act on my first inclinations, thereby expressing self-assertion -- I've not broadened the experiment to the outside world yet. But I'm thinking about it, a lot. Preparing to start taking those tentative steps (can assertiveness be tentative?)

See, ya, I'm not quite ready yet! But I'm workin' on it.

However, I have learned more about why I'm self-unassertive. When I was really little, I was naturally able to stand up for myself. I was a bit of a boss, really. In one famous incident, the man at the end of a haunted house tour growled for my lollipop. I was five at the time. I gripped my lollipop even tighter and shouted, "No!" Both the man and my parents thought this was hilarious, and my Mom congratulated me for "sticking to your guns".

That was the last time I stuck to my guns without thinking it through first. For the next 20 years, anytime I took action on my own to stand up for myself or others, I planned it out very carefully. I abhorred all-out displays of aggression, with one exception for a bully who was harassing a friend. I carefully concocted a scheme that led up to my kicking him hard in the shins until he promised never to bother us again. It was the one and only "fight" I ever got into -- and the only way I felt I had to resolve the situation. (Occasionally, kids know that telling an adult just isn't going to help.)

Other than that one time, I've been avoiding conflict for YEARS. When I was bullied in middle school, I avoided them. Once I was quick-thinking enough to double the lies back on my bully and get her in trouble instead of me (as was her goal) but I did it using cunning and wits, not nails and fists.

Memories of all the times I've been bullied or made to feel low are flooding back to me. But I'm not here on this blog to catalogue all of them.

But I might know where it all started. I'll talk about that in another post.

I've made so many realizations, that I've started losing track of them. A few days ago I could have written a bang-up post, super exciting and informative! Then I kept having more "Oh, duh!" moments, and more, and they're piled up such that I can't see the trees for the forest. D'oh!

Wait a Minute... I CAN be what I really want to be!

Please note that I am still coming off casein, and just awoke from the most intense dream before writing this. My head feels a bit underwater. But write I must!

Yesterday afternoon, a lightbulb went off in my brain, and I found myself sitting at our booth at the Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology thinking to myself, "Oh! Wait, I CAN be Mokey!"

This story starts 25 years ago. The truth is, I wanted to be a philosopher when I grew up. Mokey Fraggle was one of my idols - the philosopher fraggle, who loved to sing and write poems and create art and think about the meaning of life. That's exactly what I wanted to do.

However, I quickly learned that being a philosopher is an unrealistic goal. I don't remember the conversations with adults that I must have had, but I came to the conclusion that I could never allow myself to be a philosopher unless I could determine a way to make a reliable source of income from it. To date, that's never quite happened, though I came close a couple times. (...Close to determining a way, not to making any headway, as it were.)

Yet if I think about it, being a philosopher is still what I've always wanted to do. More than sing, or compose, or create art - those are parts of the whole. I've spent hours of my life discovering grand schemes for existence, and evaluating them, comparing them, and reading the conclusions of others. I started a spiritual-philosophical book collection, which I then stopped, both because I didn't want to devote so much time to something I could never do, and because with the boom in the self-help section over the last 15 years, it's an expensive hobby to have!

To make a long story short, I can see now where I've devised 25,000 ways to do what I want to do without actually doing it. All of my career schemes have involved some level of philosophy, and sharing what I've learned with others, so that their lives may be better. I'm told that my voice, when used to sing, can do that. I've seriously considered being a religious leader, a stained-glass maker (thwarted only by lack of proper ventilation!), a pet sitter (lots of time to think), multiple times I've considered song writing, and on and on. But all I really want to do is think about the world at large and share my thoughts with others, so that they might improve their lives.

(I've also struggled with having the right to tell people what I think. How do I prove that I have a valid point of view? I am no one, after all. But I am also Everyone.)

Making Mokey a Reality
Yesterday I was sitting surrounded by people who understand the importance of meditation, relaxation, and compassion. The science supporting energy psychology is stacking up, and most of the people I met had unrefutable research behind their products and the benefits they provide to help one attain a better whole being. A couple of them seemed a bit fruity, but there's no doubt that what they offer works. And they're selling it for ridiculous sums of money.

I have no interest in earning ridiculous amounts of money -- if I did, I'd give most of it away. That's not a lifestyle I crave. But I do want to make a decent living. It dawned on me that my boss, a leader in the field of energy presence/awareness and cranio-sacral therapy, is a philosopher who is right now making a living teaching others what she's learned. Many of the exhibitors, speakers and attendees at this conference are doing the very same thing, at least in part. And then it dawned on me:

I have an idea.

I've had a grand idea rolling about in my head for a couple months now. I've been putting a lot of thought to it, thinking about how I can get the idea out there without going bankrupt.

I have lots of ways to express this idea, my hardship comes in narrowing it down. Express it as a work of fiction? Write a novel? Self-help? Music? Integrate it with something else? Go religious and teach it from the pulpit?

Wait a minute... I CAN be Mokey!!!

I still have a lot of thought and preparation to give it. Indeed, I have not explored the philosophical limits of my idea yet (out of fear) but I know that I will. And maybe, maybe we can do it together. I will finally be living the stuff of my childhood dreams.

While Miscarriage Does Not Improve Fertilify, Chances of Multiple Miscarriages are Low

Loss of a pregnancy comes with a unique brand of pain. When I miscarried, I was told by more than a few older friends that they got pregnant almost immediately after miscarriage. Several had children within two years. Because of these happenings, many of them told me that I could expect to be more fertile in coming months.

The New York Times reports that researchers have debunked this myth -- However, they do assert that a high percentage of women have children within 24 months of miscarriage. Rather than higher levels of fertility, researchers point to low proabilities of repeat for some common causes of miscarriage.

For those who are have tried and failed, the lesson is clear: Keep trying! You are far more likely than not to have a child in the relatively near future. =)

The Beauty of the LOTUS and wisdom of Sri Gurudev

As you may know, I visited the LOTUS in Yogaville (Buckingham County, VA) earlier this week. Although I've been to the Light Of Truth Universal Shrine before, I wanted to share it with my husband and to renew myself spiritually, as it's the most loving place I've ever been.

This particular visit has inspired me to learn more about Sri Gurudev, who founded Yogaville, and the Yoga principles he espoused. I'm very pleased to learn that although he practiced Hindu, his method of Integral Yoga is not tied to any particular religion but embraces religious diversity. Integral Yoga practitioners are Christians, Buddists, and Jews among others, and interfaith services are a particularly cherished part of this tradition.

I wanted to share with you this article about the LOTUS written by Sri Gurudev (who passed on in 2002). He speaks of a vision for the world that I've been dreaming of for years. He says exactly what I've been thinking and wanting for myself and everyone. Maybe this is ultimately the spiritual tradition I will join (as I'm no longer motivated by traditional Christian worship, outside of the High Holy days.)

The idea behind LOTUS is not to have all faiths merge into one. If there is only one kind of flower in the garden, it's no longer a garden. Should the flowers fight about their colors, their scents, their shapes, and forms? Should they hate each other for their differences? We seem to appreciate the variety, texture, shapes, and scents of the flowers as they blend together to create a beautiful bouquet. God created all this variety for us to enjoy and for this beauty to enrich our lives. Our aim should be to understand the unity and enjoy the variety.

Unmasking Eating Habits

I have an irrational fear of being hungry later. It basically means that I'll eat more now if I think I won't have access to food later, and I think my bloodsugar might drop (which it will if I don't eat protein regularly.)

I think that I end up overeating out of fear that my sugar levels will drop, and I won't be mentally or emotionally as stable as I need to be for the stretch of time before my next meal. Our society's snacks tend to be high carb or sugary, so I try to avoid them -- well, except for chocolate, that is. If I do snack I try to make it something like yogurt or nuts. But then I'll eat too much of them if I think dinner might be delayed for any reason.

Hmm!!!

Back on (the wrong?) Track

I'm making slow and steady progress on working my personal issues out, leading to a return to good health. I'm eating like an irresponsible teen with cash in the meantime, gobbling down premium imported candy bars and drinking down the caffeine like a fish.

But at least there's a method to this madness -- eating helps distract from the emotional noise within. In the past, I'd've been oblivious to the reasons for the constant cravings, the need for food. Now tho' -- I kind of get it, so I'm trying to use it, to use it to help balance out the rest of my life while I'm delving so fully into my dark side. So take heed - when I want it, don't stand between me and my chocolate craving!! Or you might be dealing with crying/stressed/psycho Pup later.

Blogged from a Metrobus. =)

Storms and Self-Awareness: An Update and Apology

Well my friends, it's time to acknowledge that from your perspective -- that being of a reader of WholePup -- I've either become gravely ill, or stopped pursuing the healthy whole lifestyle I crave. And you would be right, to some extent, and I apologize.

It seems I've not been a very good friend - or a very dedicated blogger or healthy lifestylist - recently. And I must accept that fact, learn from it, and move forward.

I wish it were that straightforward! How easy it could be to slough off insecurities and march into the sun, ready to start again. But the clouds, they always come back.

Staying Wet or Drying Off
Every storm that rains on us is a crossroads in disguise. We can choose to follow the rain, taking comfort its big soft drops of water which distract us from the awkwardness of bare skin. Or we can get tired of the lightening and the thunder, of water-soaked streets, fields, and clothing slowing us down, trapping us inside. Sometimes we cower under the storm rather than face the sun and its ability to expose all of our flaws with such brilliance. But occasionally, in times of growth, we step beyond our makeshift shelters and into the glory light -- into freedom of movement, clarity of vision, and surity of purpose.

The monsoon currently soaking me is of historic proportions. There is a pattern to all my rains, and for each one I search for the particles of substance on which the clouds form and gather. Often there are little signs and inconsistencies that provide clues as to the causes of certain bad weather patterns. I've become so good at noticing them that I can often pick them out and deal with them before the rain comes. =)

Somethings, however, just won't go away. Namely, years later, I'm still (to put it bluntly) fat. I've had a couple reprieves in the last decade, but obviously, I haven't yet faced the cause. I've investigated everything from improper eating habits to basic insecurities, and have even changed careers twice in search of the balance that will allow me to regulate my eating and exercise habits. But alas, I turned 30, and it all went to hell again in an uproar of crashing booms and strobe-like lightening. To hell with it all, I want my Starbucks mocha! And my chocolate birthday cake! And my afternoon cookies! More and more and more -- I want it all!!!

Storms are the urgings of our sub-conscience to face things we don't want to look at. People often choose to learn to live with the wind and the rain rather than acknowledge their fear. This storm is nasty, the worst I've faced in years, since post 9-11 trauma scared some of my deepest demons right out of me. But this one has no exterior catalyst, at least not one I can see. Nope, the way out of this low pressure system is locked within me.

And I think I know what it is.

Walking the Headwind Into the Sun
For a long time, I've suspected that something traumatic happened to me when I was about 6 years old. In fact, I thought I'd already discovered it! But lately, clues to a memory long repressed have been returning to me like feathers on the wind (or daggers, as they sting).

My impulse is to let bygones be bygones, and suck it in. With denial and resistance, it's easy to tame storms into showers. But I know from experience that our true selves never give up on us -- the storms always come back. They return again and again - the same dark clouds - until we can stand naked in the middle of a field of lightening, accept the pain and make it part of us. This means that I'm going to have to face the worst parts of myself, the most horrible things I can imagine, and accept them as being me before I can move on.

Until After the Rain
Now is not the time for me to haul out the scattered details. Suffice it to say that with help, I'm working on it - but in the meantime, the storm rages on. I may continue to be uber-reclusive and uncooperative for a time. And since I think I may be getting to the core of why I am heavy from a psychological standpoint, I will probably gain a few more pounds and let my house get a bit untidier. It will take time to allow myself to open up to what I've been repressing for so long.

But I can see the rainbow on the other side. =)

Laughter Intrinsic in Nature

Or so it would seem. Check out this short video detailing a study of animal's laughter. =)