...In With The New

Since my last post of two months ago, things have kind of stayed the same. It's been a crazy-busy-stressful time, and I have done a LOT of eating to help cope with the shortage of personal time and space in my daily life.

I've also been making a mental list -- a double-bulleted mental list -- of

• the ways in which my life lacks a reflection of my personal tastes, wants and needs
  and
• my actual personal tastes, wants and needs.

For example, I have given up the personal time I used to spend listening to music, absorbing it, meditating on it, letting my thoughts form around the sounds until I learn something new about myself. That's time I now spend doing things like fretting about the degree of nastiness ground into our dirty carpet. 

...But even given that time, what kind of music would I enjoy? I mean, what bands out there do I really like that much these days? Coming from an avid singer with a music degree, the question seems absurd. But that's how far down the ladder I've put my own wants and needs. It started 12 years ago when I told myself that if I wanted to get out of the godforsaken hellhole I'd wound up stuck in, I needed spend less time analyzing music and more time reading non-fiction and research business/grad-school opportunities.

You see, when I need to carve a new path for myself, the only way I can get there is by removing more-pleasing alternatives from the list of possible options. Otherwise, I become distracted by and get engrossed in more interesting things that don't serve my end goal.

Hence:

It's been years since I knew what genre of fiction is my favorite. Non-fiction creates knowledge, knowledge leads to action, opportunity and jobs!

It's been years since I knew what my favorite musical genre really is. Saving money after college meant: No more CMJ subscription, no more CD-budget, no digital music players or related gadgets to tempt me to spend away my meager savings $0.99 at a time. It also meant more time to read all that non-fiction and watch the news.

Crappin' piece of crap!
I love you, you're all I
have in my alone-time
space...

I seem to remember that my most important piece of furniture was always my stereo. Seriously. My Dad was a jazz musician who always had a kickin' stereo, and I happily inherited them. I've worn a few of them out. I don't even have a stereo in my bedroom now -- you know, the bedroom, the one place I can go and pretend to be alone. I've stole my toddler's boombox, but it isn't in stereo and doesn't even have a headset jack. I can't even "seek" within tracks -- in fact, the only reason I've given myself "permission" to have it in my room is because she's at an age where she'd climb the walls to get it down, and then break it/electrocute herself. So it's not even mine. And it's not good enough to use for "letting my thoughts form around the sounds" anyway. It's a piece of crap.

Yeah.

But it's not like I can just chuck all these learned behaviors. I mean, I still have to save money, especially given the last couple years worth of unexpected income-lowering stuff that's happened to my family. And it's not like I can just close the bedroom door, turn up the stereo and zone out -- as a parent, partner, and daughter-in-the-room-next-door, I'm on-call 24/7. My partner does a great job at attempting to give me some personal time. But I use most of that time completing long-overdue projects, or sleeping.

Therefore, it's not "Out With The Old". Nope, because that's just stupid. Stupid, and would result in Resolutions that are broken within days.

But it's definitely In With The New. Because this year... I WILL invest in music. I WILL read some books just for fun. And I WILL be better for it.

A Year of Significant Change

What a year this has been.

Squirrel cage-iness...

So many areas of my life are in flux, that I must dub this The Year of Change. There are many ongoing processes in my life, specifically: the Financial, the Emotional/Spiritual, and the Physical (read: my expanding waistband!)

At the moment, I want to discuss those last two. They are closely interrelated. As I work through my emotional issues, long buried, reburying and digging them up again, I am gaining a ton of weight. I thought it was just my medication (which is a known contributor, per my Docs) but it's just become ridiculous. I can't wear my clothes anymore, and my dominate facial feature is now its roundness, including my ever-growing second chin. It's just depressing.

I'm in a cycle I can't seem to break. But I've had a breakthrough: It didn't fully hit me HOW closely my emotional/spiritual issues and my weight are tied until just recently. It really sunk in during a conversation about raising our daughter, and the role our behavior has in teaching her, when my partner asked: "What do you do to  vent your [everyday and occasional] frustration? What do you do when you get mad to release that?"

Umm...... nothing..... yep.... thinking some more.... nothing.

Hmm. I eat. Eating/drinking something when I'm frustrated (which is much of the time) makes me feel better.

Other than that, I have no current outlet for my built-up feelings of negativity. I don't have a time in my day when I can run-them-off or work-them-off like I used to. I'm not dog walking or enjoying a vocation that allows me to meditate and physically work off my emotions while getting paid for it. I no longer have a commute to work that forces me to walk in the brisk autumn air and contemplate life as I hoof it to the busstop. And I can't do any of that inner emotional work while I'm doing those regular physical activities I currently have, because I am not able to do that while I am taking care of my daughter at the same time. To do that work, I have to close a part of myself for a time, and I cannot shut that door while I am with her, watching after her, being in the moment with her. That's just how it is.

Something in my everyday has to change, or this cycle won't end. Settling and calming my inner turmoils will not alone be enough to affect my physical being. If it was enough, I wouldn't be in this deep. Something has to change!

"Adrift" on a Pendulum of My Own Making

Here's another brief update on my crazy path to... well, not to enlightenment, because if I did that, I'd have to die or become a famous recluse or something and that's not what I want in this life LOL!

So yes.... the recent road has been a rocky one. I've determined that for me, learning and re-learning my own spiritual/emotional/egotistical truths is like swinging on a giant pendulum. You get some momentum going in one direction... and next thing you know, you're so far off the bandwagon you can't even remember where you left it!

During this morning's service at UoLC, I gave that pendulum a bit of thought. It's always been there, always thwarting me (as if "thwart" is the right word, as it's part of me and therefore neutral on its own -- I make it the enemy.) I have a hard time with consistency and process. Regular meditation, or really, regular Anything, just doesn't work unless I'm threatened with a failing grade or loss of income (haha!) I am not a consistent, regular person, and this makes the swing of the pendulum that much more powerful.

....However, if the analogy of the pendulum is true, then that means that I spend as much time on the enlightened side as the "hell in a handbasket" side. But... I know that I've spent much more time of my life on the not-meditating, not-taking-care-of-my-spiritual-needs-dutifully side. And yet, I've come so far! Which leads me to conclude that The Enlightened Side of the Pendulum Is Far More Powerful Than the Ego-Driven Side. It means that -- although I may have swung only a slight way into the light, I then find myself FLUNG deep into the side of the grey*-and-muddled, the opaque fog of the ego's separation.

That realization, however, give me great hope. It means that I don't HAVE to venture far into the side of light to minimize the grey in my life. I can stay close to the center of gravity; a little to the light more than makes up for a little on the opaque side. I don't have to be über-vigilant, like some yogi meditating for hours on end, or facing East at the same time everyday in obedience to... well, to myself, to my own spiritual quest for fullness.

....But a little well-spent time here and there, as I can manage it -- that is fit to keep my vision clear and light the way!

*One word I was taught British-spelling as a small child in an American school, and which I refuse to write with American spelling. The "e" is so much more dignified, befitting such a complex color.

I Decide

"When in doubt, Ground & Fill"

I need to remember those words much more often, and practice them.

My internal landscape is markedly different than it was a week ago. So much of me is still the same, but I've shifted enough to start turning the tide. That's pretty awesome! But it also means that when I look at last Saturday's post... WOW that seems old school. And embarrassing. So long ago.

When I look at my thoughts about it, I stop on the word "embarrassing" -- ding ding! alarm bells -- That's my core issue, isn't it? Reappearing? Despite all my work, here is evidence of how far I have to go. A squirrel cage staring me right in the face.

Fortunately, I know how to get out of the cage now. I just have to remember to do it, to choose it, frequently.

...And, there's still that thing about disliking the sound of my own voice. I heard it echoed back to me on an International VoIP call yesterday, thanks to the delay. My voice is sooooo much prettier in my head! Clearer, crisper, it sounds more educated, smoother without being so... I dunno... I don't like a quality that my speaking voice has. Nasal perhaps. I have the same local accent that I hear in other women that I don't like. It's so earthy and mundane. Bleh.

Last week, my voice was part of my identity. This week, it's not. I'm not sure I can explain it yet - what exactly has changed in me - but I now can see with eyes wide open how my body is just a vessel, I should love and honor it, and how it looks or sounds or behaves is really not remotely important, except in that it's amazing. Because we are all, each of us, amazing. (I'll go into that another day.)

When I heard my voice yesterday, I did indeed find that I dislike it. But I didn't take it personally. Whoa, big change! I perceive that my accent is a product of where I grew up, and my tone quality is a product of genetics (the shape of my vocal chords, mouth and related internal structures). And therefore, it's entirely unique to me. While I can't help that I don't like is aesthetically, I can accept that it represents aspects of my life that I really love, namely: Being a true Northern Virginian (Arlington baby! The 7-0-3! LOL) and being a person with a very distinctive voice best suited to singing rather than talking.

You Decide
This is the title of my current favorite song. It's one of those songs I want everyone to listen to -- we all have those songs! We want to share them with the whole world! I Love this song. It's so '90s alt-rock, soft-indie-rock lovely, and lyrically profound. Fortunately, anyone can listen to it on MySpace.

This page has posted the lyrics. I encourage you to pop over and give them a quick skim at the least. I can now feel how true the words are, I now choose to decide!

Shimmery Energies & Voluminous Fields, Pt. 1

Time for some more stream-of-consciousnessing. (Yes, it is a word! My word. I like it.)

I'm not certain what I need to write about tonight, but I've known for over a day now that I need to write tonight -- that I need to get on with it, that I can't stall on this, that I need to keep going before I lose it. Because I've "lost" "it" too many times before. Not this time. And so, tonight, I sacrifice physical rest (sleep) so that I may continue to give some much needed rest to my emotional and spiritual aspects, rest in the sense that R.E.M. sleep is vital to our physical refreshment even while we are working very hard in dreaming at the time.

Gah, I use a lot of words. I like the words, but I still hear my teachers' voices telling me that you won't. Time and place, time and place, I'm not submitting this blog post to anyone for their professional review. Just me.

Letting the topics come as they may

What am I called to explore within tonight? I have a couple draft topics saved to the queue, but I'm not ready to go there yet. They are... too dark and painful for Right Now. I still have to get up in the morning and go to work, ya' know. They'd drain me dry and I'd end up useless on the job and at home tomorrow (rather, later today). Can't have that right now.

Energies seems to be the word most on the tip of the brain. I can feel it floating there, right near the spot where I feel inspiration and assuredness. It's flitting about. Mostly, because I feel it's not mine to discuss at the moment. Energies is my husband's. Energies is what he's naturally about. He's a Reiki practitioner and it came to him naturally. He senses things that I can't even tell are there. His presence is so much more fine tuned than mine -- my energy presence is so big, so uncontained, that it drowns everything else out.

...So maybe that's what I need to talk about. Big Sigh. I suppose I should Start from the Beginning so as to Not Completely Lose any readers who are starting to wonder if I'm a Loon.

Energy Presence: A Truly Basic Primer by someone who only half knows what they're gibbering on about

I've always felt connected to the world around me. We all do, or have, at some time or another. Even if it's just the rush of human understanding you may get when a good movie or TV show comes to an end -- that's a version of it.

Let me go in another direction. People talk about "auras". They give auras these colors, assign traits to them like they're horoscopes or something. Here's my take on auras: Everyone has a unique energy field around them. It fills us, it envelopes us, it can envelope that which surrounds us. Rather than color, I've always tended to think of them in terms of texture and the quality of light. Take me, for example: One of three strong-willed, intelligent, very different sisters. My Mom and I have always sensed that I am the shimmery one. If I were a rainbow, I'd be a fine-glittery one. My closest sister, she glows. He light is both more subtle and more steady. The oldest of us -- she can't help but be flashy, even on her dullest day. She sparkles!!!

A few months ago, I took a workshop entitled Skills to Energize Your Life. In this course, I opened to thinking of "auras" in terms of space as well. I'd dabbled in it before, but my experience here was pretty concrete - someone who knew what they were talking about, who is an expert in such things, verified for me some things I'd come to believe about my personal energy style.

More to come - my baby's awake and needs attention. Part II to come eventually!

Learning A New Way To Be --> One Day at a Time

In this post, I want to talk about my process this past week and how it's shaping me.

Last Monday and Tuesday I was home exhausted. Totally fatigued, ridiculously sleepy. I may have had a bug on top of my sleep issue. Or, I may have been like Zuko while my body channeled some pent-up negative energy out into the physical world. I think it was all of the above, and both, and Yes.

Tuesday I could have gone to work - but I could feel, instinctively, that if I did, I would have compromised my ability to finish out the rest of the week without a significant amount of stress. I am SO FORTUNATE to have a boss who is all about honoring the body, and she respected my need to stay home another day. And wow, what a difference it made!

Tuesday was hellish. I had more energy than I did on Monday, but I felt like crap. Both days, issues in the material world were weighing heavily and needing my attention. And I could feel the energy of my body and spirit working overtime to process all my recent personal discoveries, many of which are recently relayed in this blog. That energy, that change, is what I most needed the time to honor. I know from experience that, when going through a time of personal spiritual change, if I don't take time to process it and incorporate it into both my being and my consciousness, I'll lose it and go back to being like I was before (and generally, once again, totally clueless about how I got like that. The ego loves a good cover-up!)

During those 2 days, I took time to meditate and go through the Third Exploration of Full Body Presence. That was pretty profound for me. I have so much locked tight into my sacrum, in the bones, that brings much tenseness and pain to everyday life. I started taking what I'd learned and working with the energy stored there, thanking it for all its done to protect me in the past and telling it that I really can handle it from now in.

It's so ingrained, it's going to take a Long Time to clear all this stuff out of my system. A long time.

My Idea: Learning it, Feeling it out, Using it
As I've previously mentioned, I have a spiritual idea that I have NOT yet shared with you. It's a big idea -- so big, I will probably devote a substantial portion of my life and energy to it. But before I do that, I need to learn it, live it, vet it out and see how it will best fit within all the modalities and philosophies and everything else already out there.

I strongly believe that as uniquely created individuals, our paths are all somewhat different. This idea is not for everyone. But it certainly is for me. As I work with it, I find my experience of the spiritual (as I perceive it) to be increasing manyfold. It's super powerful! During this time of personal change, however, it needs to be carefully used and implemented, or I could ruin my own progress (burn myself out as it were.) Which is one reason why I'm not sharing it yet. As part of my own personal issues from early childhood, I have to be an authority on anything I'm espousing (or at least, I have to honestly believe that any product I'm selling is actually "the best of its kind" -- hence why I'm such a crappy salesperson, generally.) So I'm not about to tell you what I'm thinking before it's ready, before I'm ready, as I am NOT prepared for the inevitable negative feedback that ALL ideas get from somewhere. I am TERRIBLE at taking criticism. To invite it on an issue close to my heart at the same time that I'm taking steps that will render me much better at taking criticism -- seems stupid. Haha!

All My Responsibilities
I am a Mom and a Wife and Daughter and a Person on a spiritual journey but I am so much more than that. So I chose to not continue excavating my internal issues on this blog for the last week so that I could honor all my commitments. I hope, this week, to get back to it. I'd start now, but I'm not prepared for the emotional waterfall that will come out of it right now- nope nope, this is a celebratory weekend with my family, it's time to go party for the Fourth of July!

Collecting Mediational Video and Audio

This past week, on a whim, I've decided to start searching out YouTube and the rest of the web/world for daily meditational aids in the form of short videos and audios. This being the case, I have two meditations to share with you. I've used them both and can definitely recommend them.

First: Audio Explorations 1 & 2 - Full Body Presence
Full Body Presence: Learning to Listen to Your Body's Wisdom is an inspiring, potentially life-changing book by Suzanne Scurlock-Durana. To be fair: I do work for her at her company Healing From the Core! But I saw her speak and read the book before I came to that position. It's an honor and a blessing for me to work with Suzanne.

Explorations 1 and 2 guide the listener to a meditative state in which you learn to really listen to your body, respect it, and learn to draw from the energy of the Earth and the wisdom of our bodies. Our bodies have an innate wisdom that our culture teaches us to ignore. These audio explorations are the start of a path toward building a better relationship with ourselves -- and in doing so, the universe around us.

Second: Daily Meditation by Icarus3ak on YouTube
Daily Meditation is a 9 minute audio/visual guide for contemplative meditation. It begins with bells (singing bowls possibly?) and a close-crop image of a gorgeous statue of Ganesha. (This is a perfect meditation for Digger readers! ;)

This video helps the viewer clear the mind by providing two primary foci for the attention. Less than a minute in, you can't help by be drawn in by the gorgeous ethereal music based on an "om" (by "Jonathan"). Next you're drawn in by the Third Eye of Ganesha, as you suddenly realize that it seems to be getting closer....

In fact, it is, and it isn't. Icarus3ak masterfully manipulates the image to drawn the viewer in and bring our awareness to the Inner Eye - both the statue's, and our own. By changing the image pixel-by-pixel, s/he takes us on a journey of hypnotic discovery that's surprising (as a first-time viewer) and rewarding. I don't want to spoil the experience for you -- you gotta try it. I loved it.


Next time: The free Hemi-Sync relaxation and sleep CD from The Monroe Institute. Definitely worthy of its own post!