Big Pulsating Ball of Stress... and That's Just Me

This is not the week from Hell*. Not by a long shot. But it is one of my most stressful weeks in recent memory.

As I discussed in my previous post, this is in large part because I have no healthy way to vent my frustrations and negative energy. This in itself is due in part to the unique relationship between my daughter and I -- specifically, our energy relationship.

Spaced and Displaced
I have a large personal energy space. A big energy "Field". A huge aura. However one wants to put it, mine is always out there - spread waaaaay out there, I can feel its edges touching the world at about 75 to 80 yards out. I can "hold a room", as Suzanne might say, but mostly because it's the only way I know how to be. I'm either holding the room, or riding on the pins and needles before my bubble bursts (which leaves me bedridden and exhausted for about 2 days when it occurs).

If only I felt so neatly contained.

Having a huge Field is not all bad, it's actually been pretty cool for me! It explains why I can sense when certain people enter a room - even when I'm across the crowd on the other side. Their charismatic auras touch mine, and I know who they are by the "scent" of it. It explains, as I've discussed previously, why "crazy" people on Metro buses and subways like to talk to me/at me/lash out at me. They're within my Field, they can feel a connection with someone, and it draws them straight to me.

It explains why, as a young child, my teachers always sat me next to the classroom "troublemakers" - the kids who would not or could not sit still. My teachers explained to my Mom that I had a "calming effect" on these children. (Too bad this also meant that I was generally segregated with the "bad" kids and contributed to my inability to get into the "popular" crowd. Of course, that was also because my Huge Charisma, darkened by depression, also scared the heck out of those kids, who ruled the playground by rumor and intimidation.)

But... I cannot pull in. I'm always "heard", even when I'm trying to be quiet as a mouse, as unimposing on anyone around me. To some people, I'm always loud and overbearing, no matter how my actions may imply something completely different.

Parenthood and Conflicting Energies
Even before she was born, I could feel her bright spark, the enormous charisma to be. Even before she was born, I knew this would cause us to butt heads and create conflict where none is necessary.

For the first 34 years of my life, when I need to "recharge my batteries and refill my tank" (again to paraphrase Suzanne), I take my huge broad energy Field somewhere BIG and LONELY. I take a walk in the woods and fill up the woods, and let the woods fill me. Then I am able to pull in and journal about my needs and experiences.

When the woods are not available, I hole up in my home. I shut the door, I hibernate, I block out sound and sometimes light, I occasionally block out thought with a comfortable old action flick, I let my energy Field spread out in safety -- in the knowledge that anything it touches is not going to ask anything of me. I don't have to "be there" for anyone but myself. I can rest in the solitude of my mind's eye, and block out any outer influences that may be tugging on the rims of my Field.

...A solace that is Not Possible when there is a Giant in the next room, constantly demanding to know where you are, what you are doing, when you are coming back, and why you're not being with them, at EVERY GIVEN MOMENT. Argh!  No matter how I try, I can't block her out. I can get physical, but not spiritual/emotional rest while she's in the same room. I can't rest when she's in the Next room because I can hear her talking, knocking on the door, asking someone "Where's Mommy?", constantly checking up on me.

And when I CAN block out the noise, I can feel her huge presence. She has inherited my Field, and that of my father, but her's is like my father's in that it is So Much Larger than mine. We are constantly entangled, sharing the same energetic space, regularly rubbing together the edges and surfaces of our respective auras in ways that are, at times, incredibly grating on a tired adult with no personal space.

What I Must Do, for Her, for Me
I have a responsibility to her - I have to teach her how to manage her wide Field, to use it wisely, to understand that sometimes she will intimidate others without meaning to. I want to help her avoid the confusion of so many of my years, wondering "What did I do?" before I was aware my energy Field existed in the way that it does. I don't want her to make decisions I made to hide myself under layers of fat and let people practically walk all over me, just so I could stay out of the spotlight just a little bit. It's hard, it's really hard. But how can I teach her these things when, as yet, I have no idea how to do it myself?

Thank God, I work for Suzanne.  Suzanne! I need your help!!!

*Hell being, in some ways, a subjective term. I honestly don't believe in hell, as I don't believe in a punishing God. I prefer to think of this Life here on Earth as about as hellish a place as any in the universes. ;)