It's Saturday afternoon, and I've taken refuge in my favorite local coffee shop in order to catch up on some tasks and write a little bit in this blog.
It's not the relaxing time I'd envisioned -- there are some big happenings/events taking place in my life this weekend, and as I have some responsibilities to attend to there, I'm having a hard time disassociating myself from it so that I can "relax" and enjoy my personal time all to myself.
...Plus, I find myself multi-tasking. The 'Net connection here is ridiculously slow today, so I'm starting this blog post in Notepad while I wait for pages to load. So I'm blogging on personal, emotional topics while completely unrelated business is taking place ever so slowly in the background.
Letting the Knowledge Settle In
It's really taken a good week for it to sink in that I know who my attacker was. It was a very sly kind of attack, it's weird to call it that, but I can't move on until I fully accept that it was an attack, and that I was not at fault for letting it happen.
I've been swindled! And that's my fault -- NO NO it's not! It's not my fault! I've been conned.
This past week went by in a whirl. I would find myself zoned out, head in the clouds, thinking "OH! So that's why..." such-and-such is so in my life that's always left me mystified. For instance, why I'm totally embarrassed when I find a certain type of man attractive. In addition to their other similar traits, I've always perceived these men as very trustworthy, and yet - it's always been humiliating to me that I find them remotely attractive. Now it makes sense! I'm terrified of getting swindled again!
(When I look back on some of the relationships that almost-were, it's pretty amazing. Wow, so THAT'S why I fell for him. THAT'S why it played out like it did. Huh!)
Unanswered Questions, Namely: WHY Don't I Defend Myself?
My Sad Story post started with a rumination on bullying and self-defense. Ironically, however, I haven't figured out how these two scenarios link together. Or rather, it's probably obvious, but I've done such a good job of being in denial for so long, I can't see it.
So... I made myself into not-a-target. I did everything I could to avoid being a target by blending into the background or appearing intimidating in some way to those on the hunt. I was fat, disheveled, super-smart, disarmingly honest. Different aspects of my defenses were built at different times (anyone else seen The Wall?) and there came a point when being ardent in self-defense (as I was when I held strong to my lollipop) was nearly unthinkable, except in the gravest of circumstances -- which, until now, I've carefully avoided!
I think that I have discerned that I was cute and thin until the second time that a stranger in a van stopped and asked me to get in and give him directions. (We live by a Safeway and a McDonalds. Go ask a damn adult! I'd think to myself, as I said "No!" and pedaled away!) Obviously, children like me were in demand. I would NOT be taken advantage of again.
But why go about it by avoiding confrontation? Why not take some self-defense classes, make my parents put me in Tae Kwon Do classes instead of Scouts and Soccer?
...Because the girls who are being confronted are still, well, being confronted. I didn't want the attention to come my way at all.
Leave me the eff alone, people. Just leave me alone.
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