Here's another brief update on my crazy path to... well, not to enlightenment, because if I did that, I'd have to die or become a famous recluse or something and that's not what I want in this life LOL!
So yes.... the recent road has been a rocky one. I've determined that for me, learning and re-learning my own spiritual/emotional/egotistical truths is like swinging on a giant pendulum. You get some momentum going in one direction... and next thing you know, you're so far off the bandwagon you can't even remember where you left it!
During this morning's service at UoLC, I gave that pendulum a bit of thought. It's always been there, always thwarting me (as if "thwart" is the right word, as it's part of me and therefore neutral on its own -- I make it the enemy.) I have a hard time with consistency and process. Regular meditation, or really, regular Anything, just doesn't work unless I'm threatened with a failing grade or loss of income (haha!) I am not a consistent, regular person, and this makes the swing of the pendulum that much more powerful.
....However, if the analogy of the pendulum is true, then that means that I spend as much time on the enlightened side as the "hell in a handbasket" side. But... I know that I've spent much more time of my life on the not-meditating, not-taking-care-of-my-spiritual-needs-dutifully side. And yet, I've come so far! Which leads me to conclude that The Enlightened Side of the Pendulum Is Far More Powerful Than the Ego-Driven Side. It means that -- although I may have swung only a slight way into the light, I then find myself FLUNG deep into the side of the grey*-and-muddled, the opaque fog of the ego's separation.
That realization, however, give me great hope. It means that I don't HAVE to venture far into the side of light to minimize the grey in my life. I can stay close to the center of gravity; a little to the light more than makes up for a little on the opaque side. I don't have to be über-vigilant, like some yogi meditating for hours on end, or facing East at the same time everyday in obedience to... well, to myself, to my own spiritual quest for fullness.
....But a little well-spent time here and there, as I can manage it -- that is fit to keep my vision clear and light the way!
*One word I was taught British-spelling as a small child in an American school, and which I refuse to write with American spelling. The "e" is so much more dignified, befitting such a complex color.
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