I Decide

"When in doubt, Ground & Fill"

I need to remember those words much more often, and practice them.

My internal landscape is markedly different than it was a week ago. So much of me is still the same, but I've shifted enough to start turning the tide. That's pretty awesome! But it also means that when I look at last Saturday's post... WOW that seems old school. And embarrassing. So long ago.

When I look at my thoughts about it, I stop on the word "embarrassing" -- ding ding! alarm bells -- That's my core issue, isn't it? Reappearing? Despite all my work, here is evidence of how far I have to go. A squirrel cage staring me right in the face.

Fortunately, I know how to get out of the cage now. I just have to remember to do it, to choose it, frequently.

...And, there's still that thing about disliking the sound of my own voice. I heard it echoed back to me on an International VoIP call yesterday, thanks to the delay. My voice is sooooo much prettier in my head! Clearer, crisper, it sounds more educated, smoother without being so... I dunno... I don't like a quality that my speaking voice has. Nasal perhaps. I have the same local accent that I hear in other women that I don't like. It's so earthy and mundane. Bleh.

Last week, my voice was part of my identity. This week, it's not. I'm not sure I can explain it yet - what exactly has changed in me - but I now can see with eyes wide open how my body is just a vessel, I should love and honor it, and how it looks or sounds or behaves is really not remotely important, except in that it's amazing. Because we are all, each of us, amazing. (I'll go into that another day.)

When I heard my voice yesterday, I did indeed find that I dislike it. But I didn't take it personally. Whoa, big change! I perceive that my accent is a product of where I grew up, and my tone quality is a product of genetics (the shape of my vocal chords, mouth and related internal structures). And therefore, it's entirely unique to me. While I can't help that I don't like is aesthetically, I can accept that it represents aspects of my life that I really love, namely: Being a true Northern Virginian (Arlington baby! The 7-0-3! LOL) and being a person with a very distinctive voice best suited to singing rather than talking.

You Decide
This is the title of my current favorite song. It's one of those songs I want everyone to listen to -- we all have those songs! We want to share them with the whole world! I Love this song. It's so '90s alt-rock, soft-indie-rock lovely, and lyrically profound. Fortunately, anyone can listen to it on MySpace.

This page has posted the lyrics. I encourage you to pop over and give them a quick skim at the least. I can now feel how true the words are, I now choose to decide!